Last month saw the passing on of a great friend and mentor who shall remain nameless for the sake of his family.
He seemed to me to have all of lifes answers. He died aged 62. Whisky did him in.
Here are a few of the answers he gave to life's many problems.
On your wife running away;
Just pack your bags and follow her to her parents home. Make sure you leave the kids behind including the youngest. You will arrive immediately after your wife. The puzzled parents will ask you both if something is wrong since you both look like you have come to stay. You will be quick to answer and tell them that your wife told you that your home is not good and that her parents home is good and you have therefore decided to come and stay. Immediately they will ask you whom youve left the kids with. You will inform them that thats their home and they are better off living there. The parents will have no option but to send both of you back to your home.
Your wife hits the roof cos you are not answering her mobile calls.
Look for a vice and smash the damn thing flat. Send it with your driver to her office with the message that since the thing is bringing disharmony in the homefront because your hearing is poor and you dont know how to set the damn vibrator, she better be calling from the landline fom now henceforth. As sure as the sun rises from the east, he told me, tommorow youd receive a new phone and no more unanswered call tantrums.
When creditors come calling and you dont have money.
Send for a bottle of whisky and take some neat swallows. Start creating confusion and when they enquire of you, intone from your favourite corner that you went to nairobi.
When your tenant cant pay you rent.
Remove the door and set the hedge on fire. If the smoke doesnt send them parking, tthen weld together the main door. Forget the kitchen door deliberately so they can be able to come out and bring their case. When they do come and you decide they cannot possibly pay you, ask them to bring the smallest member of their family and when you see it, forgive them of the debt because of sympathy for that member.
There are many more he taught me but now am in mourning, i cant remember them all. When i do i will update you.